Just heard that a woman in Essex has been fined £12,000 for having a Botox party, apparently when the police arrived no one looked surprised!

 

 

 

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WAs talking to a Welshman a little while ago.

Asked him how many times he had had sex.

He started counting, and fell asleep.

 

 

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Thats a dumb ass ******* from down south ....🙄
David

 

An ice cream van has just crashed in our street.

Police have coned off the area!​

 

A young girl starts work in a small English village chemist shop. As part of her job she found it very embarrassing when having to sell condoms to the public, especially the men.
The Chemist was going away for a couple of days and asked if she would be ok to run the shop whilst he was away.
She confided in him her worries about selling condoms to the public.
"Look" the chemist said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned".
Feeling happy with this the young girl agrees to look after the shop, in fact she looks forward to it.
The first day was fine, but on the second day a large guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said, "350" please.
The girl panics thinking the chemist never mentioned a 350. She phones the Chemist on his mobile in absolute distress and tells him of her predicament.
"Go back to the counter and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," the chemist tells her.
She peeps through the door, and sees a bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouts down the phone. "He's got a bucket hanging between his legs...!!"
The chemist says, "Well, go to the till and give him £3.50 out of it...
He's the window cleaner...!!"

 

A young girl starts work in a small English village chemist shop.

A true story . . .

Prior to being married, my mother worked in the local chemist shop. One day, my father asked my mother to go to the chemist and buy some Vaseline, so that he could lubricate the valves of his cornet . . . he was an enthusiastic brass bandsman.

My mother was greeted by the chemist, "Hello Betty, what can I get for you?" My mother asked for a jar of Vaseline. It being 1947, the chemist asked if my mother wanted a cheap jar of yellow, or the more expensive clear Vaseline. My mother's response was, "It doesn't matter, it's only for Maurice's instrument." At which point, the chemist disappeared in a heap behind the counter and was helpless with laughter.

It was only after recounting the tale of her shopping experience that my mother, a devout Wesleyan Methodist, was made aware of the implications of her statement. Allegedly, my mother never visited that Chemist again.

 

To cheer myself up during this lockdown I've ordered myself brand new walking boots plus socks, new walking poles, a new rucksack, a thermal wooly hat and matching top of the range waterproof trousers and jacket, a new tartan thermos flask, plus...

Sorry.......... I'm starting to ramble!

 

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.

 

JUST SWISH..........

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and
threatening manner. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my
husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in
your mouth.. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to
bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished,
and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f*** all…it's keeping your mouth shut
that does the trick."

 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire wage packet.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

Twelve priests were about to be ordained, but before their ordination they had one final test to pass.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in the garden while a beautiful, big breasted, sexy nude female model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his willie, and was informed that any of them whose bell rang whilst watching the sexy female dancing would not be ordained because they had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before each candidate with no reaction.. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the last one, Carlos...!!
Poor Carlos, as she danced his bell began to ring over and over again so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and coming to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. As he bent over to pick it up....

All the other bells started to ring...!!

 

This is like a one man only joke thread, no worries keep it up Steve.
S.

 

Everyone has more pressing and important issues Steven, post brexit, Harry & Meghan, Trump and let's not forget the SNP!

 

I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black and white tablecloth.
It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
S.

 

There was a break in at our local wig shop!

Police are combing the area ...​

 

A policeman asked me if the first two letters of my name were J and f, I said no, are they K and G, I said no, what’s this all about.?
no worries he said we are just carrying out initial enquires.
S.

 

Groan .
Not too bad though.

Keep up the good work of entertaining the troops.

 

Did you hear about the cannibal kid who was ate before he was seven?

 

Just been to the pub I ordered 8 double whiskies and knocked them back one after another. The barman said 'you are drinking quickly tonight' .... I said 'you would to, if you had got what I've got' .... The barman said 'what have you got?

I said 50p!

 

I went down to my local beach and there was a young boy swimming on his own so I threw him my binoculars, he said what are those for, I said you need supervision.
S.

 

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.
S.

 

I'm informing people about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness​

 

I saw a barrel of oil performing in a comedy club, he was slick but he was crude.
S.

 

A friend of mine found a gold coin in a lump of earth, lucky sod.
S.

 

I asked the barber which cut would make me look handsome.
He said, “a power cut”.